Coming Out of the Hamster Wheel Alive

I was really furious to miss the train. The next one was at 5:00 am, 6 hours from then. Only if I knew that it was the last train for the day, I wouldn’t have taken the children to the park.

---------------Actually it was Momina who adamantly insisted on taking the ride that wasted our 20 minutes in the queue. She can be really difficult at times. Sofia really needs to fix Momina’s stubborn attitude or else Ahsan will also do what he sees his elder sister doing. Parenting is not easy. Children need to learn to be more cooperative with us. I never put extra burden on Sofia, I never expected her to cook three-course meals for me every day, even stopped her from working so she can only focus at home-making and raising children. If she can’t even do that right then I don’t know what else to expect from her--------------------

While I was lost in my thoughts, with the frown on my forehead and anger in my eyes, an 80 years old man sitting beside me on the bench got concerned and asked if everything was alright. “Yeah all okay”, I tried to cut it short, I was definitely not in the mood to have a chit chat with a stranger.

He might have followed me running around in bafflement and paying visits to the information desk more than twice.  “Seems like it was a very important one that you missed” he asked, hoping to engage me into a longer conversation.

“Yes” was my impulsive answer, but not satisfactory enough in response to his stupid question, so I decided to be more aggressive, “Obviously! All trains are important. Everyone catches train for a reason and that reason is important to them whatsoever.” He kept looking at me with interest. “Do you know of anyone who is happy to miss a train?” I added with a bit of sarcasm in my tone.  

He was quick enough to respond back “Yes, certainly I do.” Quite irritated by this fellow I glanced at him and mockingly replied, “That must be you.” “Heh – Oh yes, I’m very happy to miss my train” he chuckled, without taking any offense.

It took me a few seconds to cool down after the short conversation. I think I vent all out on the poor old fellow. I wondered how long he would keep sitting here in the cold as my eyes literally scanned the layers of his warm clothes and French beret. His big round spectacles hid his dark eyes and the woolen muffler was wrapped around his face that I could barely see. “How did you miss your train?” I asked out of curiosity. “Me? Because you missed yours” he replied with a shine in his eyes. ‘Whatever that means,’ I thought to myself. Not bothering to ask for an explanation I got up to get tea for myself.

The old man was looking at his wrist watch when I came back with two cups of tea and offered one to him. Surprised by my gesture, he thanked me and started sipping his tea. “So how long do you have to wait for your next train?” I asked genuinely. “Not too long. I’m fine with the wait” he replied glancing at his watch. “I have a long wait for mine” I told him. “I live far from here so I have decided to stay here until the next one comes. Also, I cannot afford to miss the train again” I continued. He kept listening to me with interest while I found myself comfortable flowing into a candid conversation with him. “I have a really important meeting to attend tomorrow morning. I have been working on this deal for months and tomorrow it is getting finalized. It is going to benefit me a lot” I started explaining more, “I have invested so much to achieve something like this in life. That’s why I got a bit angry when I missed the train.”

“I do understand, I do” he nodded while enjoying his tea. “I always plan everything well in advance, I’m always good with my calculations, but earlier today my children were being really stubborn. There is an amusement park newly opened in the city and they really wanted me to take them there before I leave. Actually no not newly opened, it has been about 10 months now but I had been extremely busy with my work ever since. I’m mostly away on the weekdays working from different locations, traveling for meetings and for weekends I just want to rest and prepare myself for the next week.” Without even realizing, I got comfortable in the company of this man. I didn’t understand why but it felt like I wanted to justify myself to him. I was justifying myself as if I was guilty of missing the train, being upset at him and not taking the children to the park ever before, “I have given all the authority to my wife to handle house chores and children in her own way. I don’t like to interfere. But sometimes she wants to depend on me for things she can easily manage on her own. She has even made our children difficult to deal with. I told her many times to take them out even if I’m not around or if I’m too tired to join them.”

The man kept listening to my ranting with patience. It seemed like he understood and could relate to each and every bit of what I said. I effortlessly continued narrating the struggles of my life and when I finished, he just had two questions to ask, “What do you mean when you say this deal will benefit you a lot? And what have you been investing in it?” I took a break for a moment to validate the answer in my head and responded back, “Financially, It is going to financially benefit me a lot. And yeah I invested a lot of energy, strength, health and time into it. I lost a lot of precious moments – at least that’s what the world calls them (hah), but only to buy something that will hopefully be more precious for my family and I, financial security, luxuries and comforts of life.” I was eager to measure his reaction but didn’t get any from his side. For some strange reason, I found myself beginning to care and feeling nervous about the old man’s judgment on my life and my choices.

Finally after an awkward pause, he started to speak, “I spent my youth focusing too much on controlling things that were in my hand and worrying about the ones that weren’t. There was a set pattern in my mind, very straight, very secure, to-the-point and I never learnt to deviate from it, not even for a moment to enjoy some silence. I was born to follow this pattern on repeat, every single day of my life. I strongly believed that I cannot afford to allow things to flow in naturally, grow naturally. I cannot allow my heart to go its way ever because in the end it doesn’t guarantee me safety. I was told that good luck comes to those who take chances but I never took chances in my life. I was married to the lady who always supported me, sacrificed her dreams to fulfill mine – the dreams that I once called ours. I was so involved in running after my goals that I didn’t realize I was strangling my wife and my children with me. As I ran faster, I crushed them under my own feet. Nonetheless, by my mid 40s I achieved almost everything I set as a goal for myself. I owned a small business that only grew bigger. My wife and children were very happy for me. I felt honored and accomplished as if I truly completed my responsibility towards my family. Just after a year, my wife was diagnosed with the advanced stage of cancer. I got the best medical treatment done for her and even though I could afford more, God never gave me a chance to. My children, who were too attached with their mother, suffered in many ways. My daughter went into depression and as much as I tried to be close to her I realized that I don’t even know her well. Her married life was also on the rocks during that time. I took some time off and dedicated myself to my children who couldn’t treat me more than just an outsider. It was quite upsetting to discover the bitterness of a rather weak bond that I shared with my children. I tried too hard to be around them and to care for them but with my son it always resulted in resistance. He hated me for even trying to be close to them. My daughter lost all her hopes after her marriage failed. That was the first time when it hit me that it’s all over. I failed miserably. The despair started spreading on me. Everything I struggled hard to get fell apart in front of my eyes. I missed my wife so much. I wish she was there to take care of everything like she always did, while I could turn a blind eye towards it.” As he took a pause, he found me lost deep into his story, “Well you know what the sad part is?” he continued, “I achieved everything I wished for but I still feel hollow. The real failure is to find out that your achievements could never fill in this emptiness. So why feel proud of these achievements? What for?

I miss my wife every day. She knew I had to catch a flight that afternoon so on our 10^th Anniversary, she told me that she prepared something special for breakfast. It was a surprise for me. But before I could bring myself to the dining table, I got a call from work and left the house in a rush. I often wonder what she must have cooked that day. I never even bothered to ask her, never even apologized, expecting her to understand. She never spoke about it either.

I vaguely remember her once talking to my colleague’s wife about her previous job with such joy and pride. I remember her sharing her work stories with me but I never paid attention and often dozed off too after long day at work. I often wonder what those stories were.

I look at the pictures of my children my wife took at their school functions. I don’t remember anything about them as I mostly skipped their functions. I totally relied on my wife to take them out and even when they forced me to join them I used to stay irritated the whole time.”

I was listening to him without blinking my eyes, trying hard to make peace with some uncanny connections that caused numbness in my body.

“Well there is something that I do remember” he added as his voice filled with delight “She used to refer to some movie she loved and believed that missing the last train and ending up spending the whole night waiting for the next one would actually be very adventurous” he laughed and then continued, “God took her back so early, that’s His will, but I regret not making enough memories with her to cherish for the rest of my life.

It is important to chase your goals, whatever they may be, but you should never stop living and loving things that are irreparable and irreplaceable. Make sure you are not dead from inside by the time you achieve what you strove for. The idea is to come out of the hamster wheel alive.”

The old man’s story shook me to the core. I was flabbergasted by the effect it had on me and I couldn’t understand why. While I was still trying hard to gather myself and come out of the spell I was under, he got up, looked at the time in his watch, feeling much content he said, “Time for me to take a leave my friend. Your train is coming within the next 10 minutes. It was a pleasure meeting you.” Unable to find the right words to bid a farewell, I kept staring at him in bewilderment while he disappeared into the dark shadow. It felt like I was not in my senses.

Just as soon as his shadow floated out of my sight, I realized I saw something dropping out of his pocket when he got up. I walked closer to it and bent down to pick it up from the floor. What I saw next blew me away. It was a pale white handkerchief with ‘Khalid’ embroidered on it with Red silk thread. My heart started drumming a frightful tune and drops of perspiration gleamed on my forehead. It was my handkerchief my mother embroidered my name on it. It was mine…just looked a bit old.

I was surrounded by the scattered pieces of unsolved and mysterious puzzle, feeling nauseous and my stomach churning in pain, when I finally spotted the last piece of the puzzle – Wait! I looked at the time; it was 4:51am. How does he know that my train was coming at 5 am? I never told him…